ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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