Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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