Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
