It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
