I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
