Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
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