Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I think I sprained my soul last night
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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