so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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