You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
this will be a night to untag.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
