i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Randomize