Can i not drive my cunt home
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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