my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
