So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
