Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
