you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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