put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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