I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
