oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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