Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
