i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
