Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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