im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
