My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
