You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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