I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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