i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
