Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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