Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
