I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
