I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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