good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Need sex. Gaining weight.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
