Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
