Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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