This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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