omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Randomize
