You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
