No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
