I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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