Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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