the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
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