I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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