so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
