In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
