college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
