I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
