Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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