I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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