Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
