Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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