Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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