dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
