Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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