I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
