eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
