Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
