dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
