I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
