I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
