I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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