After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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