i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
