she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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